wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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