It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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