totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
