party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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