Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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