I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
