he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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