I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
