Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
