my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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