I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
