smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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