you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
