my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
