i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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