oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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