Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
