I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
