my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize