I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
