I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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