Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
