You can't motorboat a personality
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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