Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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