Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
