Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
