When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
