I accidentally burped into my bong.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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