you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
