I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
third nipple confirmed
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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