and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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