dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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