dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
