they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
