I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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