her vagine was all disorganized.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
