just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
