Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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