dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
