I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
