Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
foreskin is a definite game changer
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
