In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Every concussion has its silver lining
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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