Define "chronic" masturbator.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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