I just pynch a tree in the face
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
