What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
