I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
