he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
