The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
