btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
