GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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