I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
All the doctor said was why
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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