If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize