Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
